I had a profound realization recently that shook my core: not only am I imperfect, a human prone to making mistakes, but it’s a guaranteed fact of life that I will make mistakes. It might not sound groundbreaking, but stay with me.
Historically, I’ve held myself to impossibly high standards in every facet of life — work, relationships, family, friendships. I’ve chased nearly impossible achievement standards. For example, I yearned to be the “perfect” parent, always making the right decisions for my kids. Or the “perfect” partner, flawlessly matching my significant other’s needs and never disappointing them (cue wanting to feel compersion instead of jealousy, for instance). Or the “perfect” daughter, always productive, successful, and present for every family event. One. Hundred. Percent. Of. The. Time.
When I was in an open relationship, this translated to the impossible expectation of being the “perfect” partner to multiple people simultaneously, flawlessly meeting all their needs, never sparking jealousy, and always having enough time and energy for everyone. I salute those who figured out how to do this; I certainly couldn’t.
Fast forward to a recent conversation with a friend. We were discussing uncertainty and my lack of a clear plan for the future. As I traced my emotions, I encountered a deeply disappointed part of myself. This part was convinced that everyone, including me, would eventually betray them.
“Can another part of you support this one?” my friend inquired. “Can you make a promise?”
I pondered this. Sure, I had plenty of other parts that could offer support, but it didn’t seem to matter. This part, let’s call it the Grump, remained stubbornly sulking in its frustration and disappointment.
Then it hit me.
“I know what I can promise the Grump,” I told my friend. “I promise that I will betray him sooner or later. I am going to disappoint him. And others.”
“Wow,” my friend replied, “How does that feel?”
“Like the most real and honest promise I’ve ever given,” I said, tears welling up.
It was liberating — not only to acknowledge that I couldn’t guarantee never betraying anyone, including myself but to actively embrace that reality and make a promise that I would. Of course, I’d always strive to do my best, but I knew I’d inevitably make mistakes.
I began applying this mechanism to other parts of myself, clinging to expectations of perfection.
I promised I would make mistakes in my relationships. I will be jealous, unreasonable, emotional, and inadvertently trigger insecurities or hurt feelings. But we’ll work through it together because that’s what healthy relationships are built on — communication, understanding, and forgiveness.
I promised to mess up as a friend and eventually do something that would hurt my friends’ feelings. Hopefully, open communication will help me navigate that.
I promised I would be an imperfect mom. I will be inconsistent, too strict, too soft, or make the wrong decisions about my kids. Therapy is guaranteed for them anyway.
I promised I wouldn’t be a perfect daughter. I will inevitably forget a birthday or an anniversary, miss a family function, or forget to call my parents to check-in. And that’s okay.
I also promised that I would do my best.
The most significant change I’ve noticed since making these promises is my tolerance to other people’s imperfections. Behaviors in others that used to trigger me stopped being so annoying. That makes sense, right? Other people are our mirrors — they point to the unresolved traumas and limiting beliefs we must examine and work through. When I let go of those beliefs, they are no longer highlighted by others.
Letting go of the illusion of perfection has been a transformative experience for me. It has freed me from the constant pressure to be flawless and has allowed me to embrace my humanity. I can now show up more authentically in all areas of my life and relationships, and I am more accepting of myself and others. This newfound acceptance of imperfection has been particularly valuable in my marriage, allowing for more open communication, understanding, and resilience in facing challenges.
It’s in our imperfections that we find our true strength and beauty.