The landscape of relationships is as diverse as the people who navigate it. Non-monogamy has become an increasingly accepted approach to love and partnership, offering avenues for personal growth and fulfillment that differ from traditional monogamy. However, a foundation of trust, communication, and emotional maturity is even more critical in these relationships than in monogamous relationships. This brings us to this question: can a non-monogamous relationship thrive when one (or more) partner(s) has a high conflict personality (HCP)?
High-conflict personalities are characterized by a pattern of escalating conflicts and a tendency to externalize blame. Individuals with HCP traits often struggle with emotional regulation, exhibit all-or-nothing thinking, and may have underlying personality disorders such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder(1). Their interactions are frequently volatile, making any relationship challenging.
The Intricacies of Non-Monogamy with an HCP Partner
Non-monogamous relationships demand a very high degree of emotional intelligence and communication. Partners must navigate complex feelings like jealousy and insecurity while maintaining trust and respect. When one partner has an HCP, these challenges can become amplified.
Research indicates that individuals with high conflict traits often face difficulties in interpersonal relationships due to trust issues and emotional dysregulation(2). In non-monogamous settings, where transparency and stability are crucial, an HCP’s tendencies can lead to heightened conflicts and misunderstandings.
Someone I love dearly has shared his experience of dealing with an HCP partner when they decided to open up their relationship. His partner, who we’ll call Alex, was charismatic and adventurous. It was Alex who initiated the idea of opening up the relationship, presenting it as an ultimatum. Alex wanted more attention, more excitement, more sex. My friend, let’s call him Blake, eager to maintain the connection and afraid to lose Alex altogether, agreed to explore this new dynamic.
However, as the relationship progressed, Blake found himself navigating a minefield of emotional turbulence. Alex could not take responsibility for her emotions, often projecting blame onto Blake and everyone else in her life. Mood swings became a daily occurrence — moments of intense affection would swiftly turn into episodes of anger and extreme outbursts over minor issues. Despite being the one who pushed for non-monogamy, Alex struggled with jealousy and control, attacking Blake for any perceived slight or boundary-crossing.
This experience left Blake emotionally exhausted, constantly on edge, and questioning his own reality. The relationship became less about mutual growth and more about managing crises, and within a year of opening up, it fell apart.
Could It Work, Though?
While being in a non-monogamous relationship with an HCP partner is likely to be very challenging, it’s not entirely impossible. Here are some strategies that might help:
Open and Compassionate Communication
Establishing a safe space for honest dialogue can help address issues before they escalate. This includes actively listening and validating each other’s feelings without judgment. When dealing with someone who has a high conflict personality, it might help to communicate using EAR statements — with Empathy, Attention, and Respect(3).
EAR statements are a communication technique developed by therapist Bill Eddy to de-escalate conflicts and build rapport with individuals who exhibit high conflict behaviors. By expressing empathy, giving full attention, and showing respect, you acknowledge the other person’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with their perspective.
Suppose Alex becomes upset after learning that Blake spent time with another partner, even though this was agreed upon. Instead of responding defensively, Blake might say:
Empathy: “I understand that you’re feeling really upset right now.”
Attention: “I’m here to listen to what’s bothering you.”
Respect: “I respect how important this relationship is to both of us.”
Combined, the EAR statement would be:
“I understand that you’re feeling really upset right now. I’m here to listen to what’s bothering you because I respect how important this relationship is to both of us.”
This approach doesn’t assign blame or escalate the conflict. Instead, it acknowledges Alex’s emotions and opens the door for constructive conversation. It helps in diffusing tension and shows a willingness to engage positively.
Setting Clear Boundaries
Clear boundaries and consequences are especially important when dealing with an HCP. Individuals with high conflict personalities often test limits, whether consciously or unconsciously, so it’s crucial to define what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Equally important is outlining the consequences if these boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries provide a framework for respectful interaction, while consequences reinforce the importance of these limits. For someone with an HCP, this clarity can help reduce misunderstandings and prevent the escalation of conflicts.
Alex used to call and text Blake incessantly when he was out with other partners, leading to interruptions and stress. To address this, Blake could set a clear boundary:
Boundary: “I need uninterrupted time when I’m with other partners. Please do not call or text me during these periods unless it’s an emergency.”
Consequence: “If you continue to contact me during these times for non-emergencies, I’ll have to turn off my phone or set it to ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode.”
By clearly communicating this boundary and specifying the consequence, Blake would set an expectation for respectful behavior. If Alex respected this boundary, it could help build trust. If not, the result would be implemented, protecting Blake’s time and reinforcing the boundary's seriousness.
Another example might involve handling disrespectful language:
Boundary: “I will not engage in conversations where I am being insulted or yelled at.”
Consequence: “If the conversation turns disrespectful, I will end it, and we can try discussing the issue later when we’re both calmer.”
This approach sets a standard for respectful communication and provides a clear action plan if the boundary is violated. It helps de-escalate potential conflicts and emphasizes the importance of mutual respect.
Tips for Implementing Boundaries with an HCP:
Be Specific: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable.
Stay Consistent: Apply the consequences every time a boundary is crossed.
Remain Calm: Present the boundaries and consequences without anger or frustration.
Avoid Over-Explaining: Keep explanations brief to prevent further conflict.
Knowing When to Walk Away
Despite best efforts, there may come a point when the relationship becomes unhealthy and toxic for all involved. If you are experiencing emotional distress, feeling manipulated or controlled, and if your partner disregards the established boundaries, it may be a sign that it’s time to move on.
Navigating a non-monogamous relationship with someone who has a high-conflict personality is undeniably difficult and, in many cases, may not be sustainable. It requires immense patience, effort, and support. While love and a desire to make the relationship work are powerful motivators, it’s important to assess whether the relationship contributes positively to your life.
Ultimately, the success of such a relationship depends on the willingness of all parties to engage in self-reflection, seek help, and commit to healthy communication practices. Prioritizing your own emotional safety and happiness is not just important — it’s crucial.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing. ↩
Whisman, M. A., & Schonbrun, Y. C. (2010). Social consequences of borderline personality disorder symptoms in a population-based survey: marital distress, marital violence, and marital disruption. Journal of Personality Disorders, 24(4), 410–415. ↩
Eddy, B. (2012). It’s All Your Fault!: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything. Unhooked Books. ↩